Catchy Headline Huh ;)For us in Canada this is what is commonly known as the May 24 or the May Long Run.....whatever you call it, it is really called the Victoria Day Weekend.
So instead of starting the day with a bunch of news. I have compiled a list of 150 sayings, phrases etc to make you L.O.L. all found online, not my own work ;)
Remember to be safe this weekend, play by the rules, and don't wind up dead or behind bars. Enjoy it.
Okay here is the list:If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
God: An invisible friend for adults
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute; set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause childrenThose who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
The Internet: All the piracy, none of the scurvy.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend
He didn't know if it was a gun in her pocket or she was just pleased to see him, but neither option looked good.Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
If your name was homework, i'd be doing you on my desk right now
Anyone can quit smoking, it takes a real man to fight cancer
if my calculations are correct SLINKY + ESCULATOR = EVERLASTING FUN
putting the laughter back into manslaughter
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Your mum is so fat, she walked past the TV and i missed the first season of Lost.
I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives
Jesus says to John come forth i'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster
Tennis is a fickle sport. No matter how good you are at it, a wall will always be better.
"Practise makes perfect"...but no one's perfect, so why practise?
I cry during sex.... fracking Mace
Sometimes I wake up moody; other times I let her sleep
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor,' I meant alphabetically.
The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Life is like an analogy.
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
Girls are like paladins, they get mounts for free :(
What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot you racist. (ROFLMAO)
You're like a slinky - completely useless, but fun to push down stairs.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Girls are like square numbers, if they're under 13 just do them in your head.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
Bulimia: twice the taste, none of the calories
Without me, it's just aweso
In a world full of women, you're the man!
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?
I put the sexy in dyslexic.
When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.
Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met before?
This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home...
Why do we call them buildings when they're finished? Shouldn't they be called Builts?
I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself.
The axiom of Paris Hilton: "I must go down on what comes up."
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it
When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
If my hand could get pregnant, today I would be the father and founder of the third global superpower.
A man went to a zoo. The only animal was a dog. It was a shitzu.
I'd like to meet the person who invented sex, and see what they're working on now.
My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?
My greatest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality....
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
The internet... where women are men and 12 year old boys are FBI agents
If I was ever playing hide-and-go-seek I would want Anne Frank on my team.
I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.
Coffee just isn't my cup of tea
You're as innocent as a nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field
My love is so great that a thousand men could not keep me from stalking you.
So a baby seal walks into a club..
That Jesus Christ guy is getting some terrible lag... it took him 3 days to respawn!
Duct tape is like ‘the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together
I miss you like a retard misses the point
For Sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. Never read because wife already knows everything
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
Being dyslexic has drawbacks.I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat
That's about as much fun as a game of Marco Polo with Helen Keller.
For Xmas I want Santa's list of naughty girls.
brb has lost all meaning... since when did brb mean "be back in 4 hours after lunch"
He who laughs last probably does not get the joke
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.
In retrospect, I suppose "supercalafragalisticexpialadocious" wasn't a great "safe word..."
I USE CAPS LOCK BECAUSE I WILL BECOME NOTICED, POPULAR, AND GOOD IN BED
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual"
A little necrophelia never killed anyone
You're special. Like, wear-a-helmet-all-the-time special.
Shakespeare says: "Prose before hos."
You're about as useful as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest.
The preacher said "You always have the lord by your side" - I was so pleased to be informed of this I ran 20 red lights home!
Cancel my subscription cause I'm over your issues!
I like my women the way I like my coffee; Ground up and in the freezer
I was going to procrastinate. But I decided to leave it till later.
Dyslexics Of The World Untie
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
TORNADO RIPS THROUGH CEMETARY, HUNDREDS DEAD
SARS: the "Mambo Number Five" of global epidemics.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.
Gonna buy 400 sheets of A4 and unleash my ORIGARMY! FLY YOU CRAZY SWANS FLY!
Faith may move mountains but it was the whip that built the pyramids.
Don't drink water - fish have sex in it
It appears the location of my fist and your head are not mutually exclusive! It is a probability miracle!
The only person to invite you on a round-the-world trip would be the Flat Earth Society.
If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, cheap and easy
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Baseball is wrong. A man with 4 balls cannot walk.
This is almost as enthralling as a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder
Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice
If you are what you eat then you were what you excrete
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15Kv across the nipples. (These ambulance guys sure know how to party).
I couldn't afford to buy cotton so I decided to be abrasive, and steel wool.
I used to think I was indecisive but now I'm not so sure.
I beat up a white guy - got charged with GBH. I beat up a black guy - got charged with impersonating a police officer!
When vultures fly, are they allowed a carrion bag?
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo
Two hats on a rack, one says to another, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead.
Jesus died for your sins, but rose for your brains.
NEW BRIDGE HELD UP BY RED TAPE
"The 7 Habits of Highly Gullible People" -
#1. Buying books to tell you to work better and waste less time.
I'm pisexual. I am attracted to 3.142 different sexes.
I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.
ISRAEL PULLS OUT OF GAZA, GAZA NOT PREGNANT
Womens faults are many, while men have only two. Everything they say and everything they do.
The most effective copyright protection known to man: a scratched CD.
My testicles just dropped.....WITH A VENGEANCE
Never trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die.
If vegetarians eat only vegetables, what about humanitarians?
I'm so confused I'm not sure if I lost my horse or found a rope
The Vending Machine Theory: "Stuff tastes better when it falls."
Roses are red, Bullets are lead, you better love me, or i'll shoot you in the head
You can't have "manslaughter" without "laughter"
If a man argues in the woods and he is alone- is his wife STILL right ?
Flatulence : An emergency vehicle that transports patients to the hospital after being squashed by a steamroller
Champagne for my real friends, and real pain for my sham friends.
If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?
If a man makes a statement in a forest, and there's no woman there to hear it, is he still wrong?
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told that bitch twice!
I didn't lose my virginity... I stalked it and then silently destroyed it.
A jump-leads walks into a bar, acting aggressively. The barman says "All right, I'll serve you... but don't start anything."
I am a part of DNA... the National Dyslexic Association
A lot of folks say I'm not the brightest bulb in the knife drawer.
If you dress as a goth for Halloween, do you WANT razor blades in your candy?
